To My Everything That Broke “Almost” All Of Me

To My Everything That Broke “Almost” All Of Me

You are my everything but we are not an endgame. This is me not giving up on you, this is me letting you go along with all the pain you’ve brought me.

Rewind.

Remember when you told me you love me more than a friend—even though you’re still in a relationship? How it bothers me big time? That no matter how hard I try to avoid you and our feelings, but still shit beats the hell out of me. (I guess I should’ve tried a little harder)

Maybe you don’t remember it anymore. As a result, you’ve easily put behind the love I’ve fought so hard for us. You impulsively tried the new love you’ve just met that captured your interest. Well, let me remind you how you turn my world upside down. Every word I write here might make me feel as if a sword was pierced straight through my heart. But, don’t bother to worry about me.

Because—remember the movie we watched together along with our favorite drink, coffee. The male protagonist there said, “pain demands to be felt.” So, you don’t have to feel so concerned about my feelings. The pain in me demands to be felt. And what hurts more than allowing the sadness of joy in every moment that we’ve shared together. I may sound mad at you but please don’t get me wrong. I’m just hurt. I want to feel the pain so much that it has nothing more to do than to heal.

Did you remember?

Did you count all the times you have broken my heart because you’re my everything and I wasn’t your everything? I bet you lost track. So am I. Because that’s a lot. I’m not blaming you for that. I understand that I am not your priority and you are not as insane as I am. But;

Did you remember our meeting at an agreed time in a park? You’ve made me wait for a couple of hours without even texting me. I was worried as hell. But, you’re in a bar having fun with your friends.

How about that night where you told me you will come to my place but fail to do so because you went to another place?

Or, that rendezvous we set ahead of time but got cancelled on the last minute even though I’m already on my way?

Also, Did you remember how you flipped many bad situations that were your fault to become my fault?

And, did you remember every promise you swore that lifted my hopes but broke it along with my heart?

You’ve shattered my heart for so many times. I’ve never complained even if you’ve caused me so much pain that I have never imagined I could bear. Despite the fact that I wasn’t a party crasher anymore—it’s just you and me in this cruel world, you still continue to give me heart-throbbing pain.

Whatever

Maybe it’s about time to tell you this. Before you left me, I got tired ASF. I almost had enough of; your pointless jealousy, your childishness, your irresponsibilities, you questioning my motives, your insensitivities, your laziness, your messiness, your immaturity and every little thing you kept doing that hurt me. Don’t you dare tell me you didn’t mean it or you didn’t notice it?

Because, whatever! You’re already gone. The years we’ve shared are all just in the past. It’s just frustrating! I was exhausted from you back then. But, I chose to stay. I effing stayed! Because I love you. You are the love of my life and I really want to spend the rest of my life with you. Every bit of nanosecond I have. But still, it wasn’t enough. I am not enough to make you stay the way I did.

But I am not writing this to curse you or throw hate on you. I just really want the pain to overwhelm me until I ran out of it and feel the opposite. To endure living a life without you or live a life with never ever knowing you badly hurt me.

Hopes after the heartbreak

I wish I could move on from you. Because;

I remember you in every innocent coffee I drink. And for fuck’s sake, I’m a coffee junkie!

And, I can’t appreciate the moon the way I adore it before because it reminds me of that night on top of our roof where we gaze upon the supermoon together and shared a kiss.

Also, I just want to sleep on any ride from point A to point B just to avoid remembering all the travel we had sitting next to each other.

I lost a bit fond of sunsets because watching it flashbacks the time we watched it side by side.

I couldn’t take responsibility for preparing things on a picnic because the picture of us will develop in my mind.

I’m starting to hate messy eater because I remember my crazy smile watching you munch wildly the food and ignoring the mess on your face.

I’m a little more sensitive when someone farts within the perimeter because it makes me think of your stinky bomb.

Your ugly face pops up every time I see a damn cat.

But these are just temporary. I will move on from these crap soon.

You’ve left and there’s nothing else I can do but to wish you all the happiness the world could ever give—a world without me. Thank you for loving me the best way you can and for letting me love you. Thank you for making me experience love. Somewhere in this universe, the love and memories we’ve shared have existed.

This is where I leave you, my everything.

I will miss you but I hope not to miss you soon. Don’t come back like before because you have nothing to come back to. I know you wouldn’t insist but if you do, I don’t have anything to offer you.

I’m so hardheaded before. I’ve kept on covering my ears and didn’t listen to the care of the people around me. It’s not just about me and my suffering this time but also the concern and love of the people affected around me. I can’t be selfish anymore to disregard their feelings knowing they just hope for my betterment. I’ve been a complete idiot for a long period of time so, I want to give myself, you, and everyone a favor by never ever getting back together with you.

We were friends before we fell in love but the aftermath of your leaving hurt me so much. Time must heal my broken heart first and by then, maybe you and I could be friends again.

I don’t want to miss you anytime soon but surely I will miss the idea of having a significant other. So long my dear friend, my sweetest sin, sayonara ai.

Love. Hurt. Love. Goodbye.

Have you guys been into a relationship where you feel more hurt than love? Is that the indication to surrender and just feel one intense pain?

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